Dear Mr. Dalrymple:

    Congratulations! You are about to join the exclusive ranks of individuals and organizations that hold a WordRight™ to their very own English word!

    Yes, you’d better read that again. After all, this is no ordinary gift. This is an unprecedented opportunity to own the exclusive and perpetual rights to a word of your own creation. A WordRight (identified by the Black Circle Size 1 symbol) attests to your ownership of an English neologism (new or coined word) of your own invention, and there’s one waiting for you, all pre-paid by [gift-giver name here, or anonymous if desired].

    Enclosed you’ll find a personalized, numbered Certificate of Entitlement, with full instructions for redemption. You have one full year to act, although it’s probably in your best interest not to delay. After all, new English words are coming into use more rapidly today than ever before. In fact, the 20 volume Oxford English Dictionary added over 5,000 new entries to their most recent edition!

    Take some old family slang, like ‘gastoffBlack Circle Size 00’. Unfortunately for you however, WordRight holder Bruce Amundsen of Seattle, WA has already defined it as “the bathroom odor that lingers after a particularly foul dump.” Create a word that just sounds good, like ‘mootheen’Black Circle Size 00 (hold it: that’s the personal mantra of WordRight owner H.L. Stout, Melbourne, AU). Claim your personal term for a whatchamacallit, a juicy expletive to sling at Hummer drivers, or an under-the-breathe hex to mumble when your smarmy boss approaches.

    Think all the good ones are taken? Actually, the English lexicon represents only a fraction of possible words, and the majority simply await a creative mind to coin and define them. If you doubt your creativity, you’ll find lots of help on our website at

    There are rules and guidelines, of course. They’re simple and easy to follow. You can read about them on our website at, but the basics are on your Certificate of Entitlement. Even more important, there are benefits and rights too! Once you hold the WordRight, its permanently yours! No further dues or fees, and you can transfer it to your survivors with your estate! You, and only you, have unlimited use at home, work, or play. Use it in a letter to your high school English teacher. Show it on your car’s license plate. Carve it on the restroom wall at your favorite tavern. Sue those who use it without your authorization (a potential money maker). 

    Certainly you have a lot to thank [gift-giver name here] for, but there’s plenty of time for that. Focus now on your neologism, follow the instructions, then log on to complete the application. If your word is already in the English language (we use 4 definitive sources to determine this), we’ll let you know and you can try again (and again). Just don’t be gumphBlack Circle Size 00 about it! (i.e., ‘inarticulate’, used with permission of WordRight owner Michael Helsem). 

We’re ready when you are,  

The English Neologia Society staff

Bogus letter salutation